Month: April 2023

Vintage Stuff: Office Birthdays are a Piece of Cake

Jason SalasLeave a comment

Published in “One Lump or Two,” January 2004 – Click here to view the PDF

Remember what you told yourself about eating better after the New Year during the holidays? Remember all that candy and fudge you allowed yourself to have to enjoy the season? Was it worth it? Sure it was. You may have to suffer a bit because of it, but it’s OK now that the holidays are over, right? Wrong. Odds are someone in your office had to go off and be born a few decades ago and it just so happens to fall in the all-too-crucial-to-my-diet month of January. Here comes the cake. I can already taste it.

I have a theory that the birthday cake is the culprit when it comes to our overweight epidemic. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the office environment. Coworkers come with birthdays. Birthdays come with cakes. Cakes come with sugar. Sugar is kryptonite to the dieter. Why? Because it would be rude to refuse a piece. Adam in accounting and Peggy in personnel both had a piece on your birthday. It’s the least you can do to have a piece on their special day. Maybe just a sliver…

Now you’ll feel guilty if you eat the cake and you’ll feel guilty if you don’t. We got us a good ol’ Mexican standoff. How does one remedy such a situation? There’s a simple solution but it’s going to take your participation.

The first thing you’re going to have to do is find out who’s next in line for a birthday. Once you’ve accomplished this, get close to your subject. Offer to bring the cake for them on their birthday. The day before the big event, break out your cupcake pans, about a pound and a half of ground beef, and a nice-sized block of mozzarella cheese. Line your cupcake pan with those little paper cup deals and stuff a good amount of ground beef in each. Bake your meat cakes at 375° for about 35-40 minutes. Shred your mozzarella cheese and melt it on top of your meat cakes. This will act as icing. Store them in your fridge to be reheated the next day or you can serve them cold. Not only is this a tasty birthday treat, but it’s also super low on carbs and sugar!

It is important to remember that you cannot let the fear of coworkers thinking you’re insane stop you from implementing your plan. I bet the originators of the birthday cake had similar issues to deal with. That didn’t stop them, did it? You may be seen as a pioneer. Who knows? Maybe they’ll make a plaque or something in your honor but don’t just do it for the notoriety, do it because you want to help with the fight against fat. Let them chide and laugh; just don’t let them ruin your diet. Maybe if this whole thing catches on, you might be reading yours truly in a brand new publication called One Meatcake or Two.

Are You Toxic?

Jason SalasLeave a comment

The comic below is from “Oddballs” Issue 7 and gives you, dear reader, some insight into toxicity in our culture.

Other than a few psychopaths, no one wants to believe they are toxic. We all have this feeling that we’re doing the best with what we have; treating people in a just and fair way. Yet, that simply cannot be true.

Think about it: there is always a percentage of people above average and below average, with a few on the extreme ends. I made this handy little graph to help illustrate my point:

Your average person is not average

By definition, “average” would mean (“mean,” HA!) that there are equal amounts on each side of the apex of the curve, or something to that extent. And, since we know that only a few individuals are at the extreme ends, the majority of us are in the meaty center of the curve.

That said, half of ALL people would be sliding down the toxic curve! How do you know you’re not on that dreadful side of things? And, no, you can’t simply state that you and you alone are that sole average person.

Perk@Work: “Smarter Than Average”

Gauging your toxicity level

There exists no over-the-counter measuring strips to determine one’s level of social toxicity. Oh, if that were true! In lieu of such a product, we have to be introspective; and attempt to be objective in the process.

One way to determine whether you are toxic or not is to evaluate how many times people invite you out for coffee or such. If never, you may be toxic. Of course, you may live in the hills, surrounded by nature and two banjo-playing weirdos, but even then, you may still get an invite to a moonshine soirée down in the hollow.

Of course, there are many popular toxic people. Still, these folks usually have some value that others want to extract from them – people around the toxic person tolerate their toxicity because they get something from the interaction or relationship. You’ll see this with highly attractive women who are nasty but others still put up with them. In this equation, people are attracted to beauty, even if it comes with the sting of venom. Other examples of “value” are power, money, and influence. They may still get the moonshine party invite, but it’s not because of their happy social banter.

How to properly detox

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you happen to be toxic. Now, both you and I know that’s not the case, but bear with me here and play along. After all, playing along only proves you’re not toxic right? (See what I did there?)

Reducing your toxicity level is simple, yet difficult. It’s summed up in three words: humility, consideration, and patience. Now, dear reader, you may be thinking I bet Jason doesn’t exhibit these traits all the time! I agree. In fact, it’s a constant battle for me to be humble, considerate, and patient. It doesn’t come naturally to me nor to you nor to any human. That’s why all the sages throughout history have instructed us to practice these things in myriad texts and teachings. Few, if any, have achieved such Jesus-like status (with the exception of Jesus, of course).

Detoxing other people

As you can imagine, this is impossible. No one can change another person’s behavior. Yet, there are things that can be done. Remember, toxic behavior is, well, behavior. The person isn’t toxic, just their thoughts and actions… and those can change.

It’s easy to simply abandon the relationship and perhaps that division can be justified and warranted. Yet, there’s a problem with this. If you find that you’re cutting yourself off from everyone because they are toxic, you may actually be the toxic one; judgmental and/or obstinate. If I’m too sensitive or proud, I could perceive that others are toxic for simply stating the truth or giving constructive criticism. How dare they!

Now, if there’s a truly toxic person in your life and you feel as though you’re in danger, then distance yourself. No sense in cuddling up to a viper.

Toxic no more

It is impossible to avoid all toxic behavior in humans. We are humans and that crud comes with the territory; inside each of us. I’ll leave you with a great quote I heard recently. Share the quote and, if you’re so inclined, share this article too!

“The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either — but right through every human heart — and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained”

― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago 1918–1956

Found on GoodReads

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Vintage Stuff: MAD Magazine Editorial Internship Submission

Jason Salas1 Comment

Submission date: March 17, 2010

Back in 2010, I submitted the following application packet to become an Editorial Intern at MAD Magazine. It had always been my dream to be an “Idiot” at MAD. Sure, I was 35 at the time (possibly a bit old to be an intern), yet this had always been my dream and, at that time in my life, I felt that it was time to pursue it. Why, well, that’s a story for another time. For now, I wanted to share the packet I sent in.

I did, in fact, get the internship, and in 2010, I worked for six weeks in the MAD Magazine headquarters in the Warner Bros. tower in New York City, NY. I couldn’t believe it. Me? I was chosen?

Below are the things I sent in for my submission packet. I’ve formatted everything for a blog post to make it easier to read for you. In essence, they asked for a few ideas and a letter.

MAD Magazine Editorial Internship Article Ideas By Jason Salas

Article Idea 1: “Alien Reality Shows”

This is just like it sounds: reality shows with an alien twist. The attached rough sketch reflects a series of singe-panels (which may be rendered on different types of TV sets in various alien home environments). This idea could also be drawn out into a series of multi-panel strips.

The rough sketch shows a few possible shows. These, of course, could be expounded upon.

Article Idea 2: “Impulse Items vs. Repulse Items”

This article mocks impulse items at the check-out line in grocery stores. Basically, this is a questionnaire directed to the public to see how they feel about the various “fringe” items. It might be funny to see these items with the type of person who might actually purchase the item impulsively. If not, just showing the item in detail with attention to the packaging print could work.

Possible lead-in: Who has not spent an extra $79.00 on impulse items at the grocery store check-out line? How do they pick such wonderful items that you never thought you needed until you were buying toilet paper at 11:45 pm on a random Tuesday night at the 24-hour superstore? Questionnaires such as this let manufacturers know if their items are desirable or undesirable. You choose!

Article Idea 3: “The Tipping Point… of FASHION”

Here is a what-to-wear-what-not-to-wear parody of sorts. But this article pinpoints the exact level (The Tipping Point of No Return) at which it is no longer socially acceptable to don the featured look. An article like this would do well with lots of detail, especially on the last “No Return” panel (e.g., the nerd with 30 pens in his pocket). I think it would be fun to draw this out over two or three pages – think “The Leather Look,”“Inked Up,” or “Modest Apparel.”

Letter of Interest

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Dave Croatto
MAD Magazine, Internship Program 1700 Broadway
New York, NY 10019

Dear Mr. Croatto,

Thank you for taking the time to review my submissions for the editorial internship. I appreciate your consideration.

MAD Magazine holds a special place in my heart. While the comment “I used to read MAD when I was a kid” is commonplace (and I am included in that commonplace), I would like to add that I have and still do admire your writers and artists. My current work reflects a combination of all the contributors that inspired me. Feel free to take a look at my work:

  • Perk at Work http://www.perkatworkcomic.com – This is a webcomic I write and illustrate and distribute even cheaper than MAD… FREE!
  • Attack Mimes http://www.attackmimes.com – This is an online graphic novel that is written by my good friend Trevor Hodgkins and illustrated by me. My main contribution is goofy-looking character development.

I publish a local zine named “BURRITO.” This zine contains my comic strips, pages from the graphic novel, a humor column, poetry if I feel so inclined, and other stuff that I may just want to toss in. In the spirit of disclosure, I must admit that, if I do not get the internship, I will submit material to MAD and freely publish all that you reject in my own zine. Everybody wins! (Except for the reader, of course.)

Since you’ve gotten this far without chucking the letter in the trash, I will now tell you more about myself. I am currently employed at a property management company where I work closely with real estate investors and their investment capital (I hound people for rent). Believe it or not, many of my professional interactions are in the same vein as this letter. After many varied positions in diverse fields, I came to the realization that I’m not built for the strictly business world and decided to get back to what makes me happy: writing and drawing silly stuff that makes people laugh and possibly think. I believe I have the talent and skill. I allow my work to back up my claims and let the readers be the judge.

I’m running out of room so I’ll stop.

Thank you,

Jason Salas

When I submitted this packet, I thought to myself, “Just try.” It worked out for me.

Is there anything you have always wanted to do yet didn’t think was possible? It may be within your reach. Give it a shot! What do you have to lose?