Vintage Stuff: Office Birthdays are a Piece of Cake

Published in “One Lump or Two,” January 2004 – Click here to view the PDF

Remember what you told yourself about eating better after the New Year during the holidays? Remember all that candy and fudge you allowed yourself to have to enjoy the season? Was it worth it? Sure it was. You may have to suffer a bit because of it, but it’s OK now that the holidays are over, right? Wrong. Odds are someone in your office had to go off and be born a few decades ago and it just so happens to fall in the all-too-crucial-to-my-diet month of January. Here comes the cake. I can already taste it.

I have a theory that the birthday cake is the culprit when it comes to our overweight epidemic. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the office environment. Coworkers come with birthdays. Birthdays come with cakes. Cakes come with sugar. Sugar is kryptonite to the dieter. Why? Because it would be rude to refuse a piece. Adam in accounting and Peggy in personnel both had a piece on your birthday. It’s the least you can do to have a piece on their special day. Maybe just a sliver…

Now you’ll feel guilty if you eat the cake and you’ll feel guilty if you don’t. We got us a good ol’ Mexican standoff. How does one remedy such a situation? There’s a simple solution but it’s going to take your participation.

The first thing you’re going to have to do is find out who’s next in line for a birthday. Once you’ve accomplished this, get close to your subject. Offer to bring the cake for them on their birthday. The day before the big event, break out your cupcake pans, about a pound and a half of ground beef, and a nice-sized block of mozzarella cheese. Line your cupcake pan with those little paper cup deals and stuff a good amount of ground beef in each. Bake your meat cakes at 375° for about 35-40 minutes. Shred your mozzarella cheese and melt it on top of your meat cakes. This will act as icing. Store them in your fridge to be reheated the next day or you can serve them cold. Not only is this a tasty birthday treat, but it’s also super low on carbs and sugar!

It is important to remember that you cannot let the fear of coworkers thinking you’re insane stop you from implementing your plan. I bet the originators of the birthday cake had similar issues to deal with. That didn’t stop them, did it? You may be seen as a pioneer. Who knows? Maybe they’ll make a plaque or something in your honor but don’t just do it for the notoriety, do it because you want to help with the fight against fat. Let them chide and laugh; just don’t let them ruin your diet. Maybe if this whole thing catches on, you might be reading yours truly in a brand new publication called One Meatcake or Two.

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