Tag: character

Eugene’s Five Points

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Q & A with Eugene

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Twenty-seven. No, wait, twenty-eight. Wait. I don’t know for sure, after twenty-one it doesn’t really matter anyways, right? I mean, what is age but some stupid construct placed on us by society to say we need to achieve whatever established goal they have set up for us by a certain time. And who says I have to get old anyways? I’m going to rock on forever!”

Height? A: “My dad tells me I slouch and that I’d be two inches taller if I stood straight. I say I’m as tall as I am whether I slouch or not. Just because a rattlesnake is all coiled up, doesn’t mean it’s any less long or less dangerous. And that’s me, I’m a rattlesnake ready to strike at any instant. That’s probably why I slouch when I think of it – I’m always ready to strike you with my sharp fangs of smartness.”

Weight? A: “I’m getting fat, dude. I don’t understand it. I mean I used to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to and I wouldn’t gain a pound. Now I’m getting this gut, it’s all soft and stuff. I wouldn’t mind it so much but sometimes my pants feel tight and it makes me have to use the bathroom and usually I’m like at a concert or something so the toilets are always all disgusting.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I’m a graphic designer. I work at this publishing place that does all sorts of stuff. They do a newspaper like once a week but then they have all these special publications and side magazines and stuff. I’ll design the ads and do some layout and set things up for print and all that. I like doing it because I’m an artist but usually I don’t get to be as creative as I want because people are all like, ‘I want everything centered down the middle with a picture of my grandkid and a star burst and exclamation marks.’ and all that stuff. I’m usually like, ‘Why don’t they just take a dirty napkin and put their logo on it? I mean it’s going to have the same effect.’ You know what I mean?”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “My house rocks! I mean it’s not my house, it’s a house me and some other people rent, but still it rocks. It’s like three stories high – I live in the attic part that was redone. Right now I live with this one guy and this one girl and her boyfriend kinda lives there too. I’m all right with him living there and all but he doesn’t pay any rent which kind of makes me mad. I mean, if there’s a total of four people sharing a house, the rent should be split four ways. My roommate – the girl – is all, ‘I pay my share and he’s my guest!’ and then I’m all, ‘He’s not a guest when he’s here like 24/7!’ and then she gets all mad and won’t talk to me but then she purposely hogs the bathroom after that just to spite me. I’ve stopped arguing with her about it because I’d rather have the use of the bathroom than to save a little on rent. A lot of times, I have to use the bathroom right out of the blue. When I was younger, I felt it coming like an hour ahead and I could find a nice spot. Now it comes up on me out of nowhere and I’ve got to find the closest place to pop a squat. Sometimes I want to just live alone for that reason.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “Don’t get me started. I pretty much don’t like everybody except the people I like. You know what I mean? I like jamming with my band Junx but sometimes they get all nit picky and stuff. I have to tell them that music is making noise with your soul. So when I get all free jazz on them, they get mad because I’m not ‘structured’ and stuff. But music doesn’t have to have rules, you know? I also likes me some Chic-fil-A.”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “I have horrid luck with chicks. I don’t know why but I always end up with the psycho ones. I just want a chick that’s laid back and will watch TV and eat bean dip with me but all the girls I end up with want to party. That’s fun for a while but then it gets old. Then those girls get all, ‘We never go out!’ Then they start getting all mean and stuff like they have cabin fever when I just want to chill at the house. I’ve flirted with the idea of not going out with chicks who I meet when I’m playing a gig. But where else can I find a hot chick who’s into me?”

Perk’s Five Points

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Q & A with Perk

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “I don’t like telling people my age because I haven’t fin- ished college yet. I’m not insecure about it… well, I guess I am a little bit. OK, I’m 27.”

Height? A: “Five-ten and a half. Not tall but not short.”

Weight? A: “Oh, about one seventy. It varies though. Sometimes I get on a burger streak and, before I know it, I’ve gained around ten pounds. I love burgers, they’re my weakness. Fries too with ranch dressing. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll have Compa fire up a burger for lunch…”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I work at a cafe in an office building. It’s on the ground floor and usually I see a lot of the people who work upstairs… regulars. We do get some walk ins but not many. It’s nice because it feels like I work with them instead of for them. They’re my friends and I enjoy talking with them. Do I like the job itself? I like it OK. It’s not my dream job but I really don’t know what my dream job is so it’ll do for now. I’d like to get a paycheck and not actually have to work but then I think I’d miss the people.”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “I live in a small house with a couple of other guys but they’re not there much. One of the guys is always with his girlfriend and the other guy is cooped up in his room a lot, I think he’s on the computer. It’s not bad. I do look forward to the day I’m married and living with a wife because sometimes a house full of guys can get kind of caveman-like, if that makes sense.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I’m a very simple person. I like lots of things but nothing super much, you know? It’s not like I hope to be a rock star or an actor or anything. I just kind of want to live. I do like the idea of business but I don’t know where to start with that. Plus I can’t really figure out what kind of business I want to be in. I don’t want to open up some store just for the sake of opening up a store. That’s no fun. At the same time, I don’t want to be an employee forever. I just don’t know. As for dislikes, I can say that I don’t like how people judge other people. I do what I can to understand where people are coming from but sometimes other people just kind of judge me based on who they think I am, not who I really am.”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “I don’t like being too far from a familiar and private bathroom. Stadiums make me nervous, all those strange dirty bathrooms with strangers in them.”

Henna’s Five Points

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Q & A with Henna

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Twenty-two. It’s the best age to be ’cause I’m officially
an adult but I don’t have to really act like one. But part of me thinks it’s stupid to say people are adults only after a certain age. It should be more a matter of maturity. But not like buzz-kill maturity because that’s so, like, boring.”

Height? A: “Five foot one. I’m tiny but I’m strong!”

Weight? A: “One fifteen. I know I’m not supposed to answer that but I never understood why. I mean who would I be fooling if I was like 300 pounds? Come on, everyone can see fat rolls and you know they’re not filled with air.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I’m a gopher for a real estate company. They build and sell and develop and everything. It’s all kinda complicated to me. They want me to learn real estate and part of me thinks I should. But I still want to finish up my degree. That’s important, right?. They say I could make a lot of money because of my attitude but I’d have to take a bunch of classes and tests and isn’t that what school is for, not work?”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “Home is kinda everywhere, right? Right now I live in a house with like four other people: two guys and two girls for now, but it’s always changing. Someone moves out and someone else moves in. It’s this big huge house with a pool that one of the guys, Joey, owns… well, his parents own and he lives there for free but the rest of us have to pay rent. There’s always something going on with all of us living there. Sometimes there’s drama but most of the time we’re just like, you know, chilling. Joey’s pretty cool. He’s older and he keeps the peace for the most part. It’s good having him there because he makes sure us girls are safe. He’ll also kick out bad roommates when they act up so he’s kinda like our live-in landlord. I like my room. It has it’s own patio.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I just do different things, whatever kinda comes to mind. It’s
not like I have a hobby or anything. I go running. Is that a hobby?
I dunno. Most of my time is eaten up going out with friends and Facebook. I guess one thing I don’t like are mean people! Is it “one thing” or ‘things’ because I said ‘people’ and isn’t that more than one person?”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “I’ve been to a nude beach or two… or three. I’ll probably go again. Oh, I’m supposed to say ‘clothing optional’ because people are sensitive and stuff. I’m not embarrassed about it, but this one guy found out and like stalked me for a long time. I guess he thought it was something I do like all the time. Some people think it’s an exhibitionist thing but it’s more like freedom and all that. Don’t tell my dad though. He’d freak out about it even though he was like a total hippie in his day.”

Compa’s Five Points

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Q & A with Compa

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “I’m 37 but I’ve got the body of a dude twice my age! Check out my biceps?”

Height? A: “Around like five feets ten. I never made it to six feets else I could slam dunk a b-ball!”

Weight? A: “Our scale at home only goes to 250 so I don’t know.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I’m back-of-house so I do everything! I cook and clean and all. This place would crumble without me. I’m like Superman only Chicano and with bigger guns, you know? I like my job because it’s easy and I don’t have to think and I get to eat all I want.”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “We have a place in a pretty nice park. In three years we’ll own our single-wide. I think it’s good to invest in real estate. As for my family, I’ve got my old lady and my two girls and my boy. He’s going to start playing football soon, pee-wee league. He’s going to be a monster defensive end, all crushing bones and stuff. I already told the coach that he’s not supposed to kick the football else I’ll pull him out. I ain’t raising no field goal kicker.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I like football. Most of what we do revolves around football season. That time between the Super Bowl and Pre-Season is torture. Sometimes I’ll watch like arena football but it’s not like the real thing. It’s like drinking O’Douls. I also like tricking out my
car, making it all cherry, you know? I’ve put more money into that Festiva than I paid for it. I think that says something about the kind of person I am. When it comes to things I don’t like, I would have to say baseball because there’s no hitting like in football. I also don’t like softball because it’s even wimpier than baseball which is pretty wimpy to begin with! I really don’t like lady softball or that WNBA. But I might watch if the ladies looked like football cheerleaders be- cause I always watch them when they come on the TV.”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “I dropped out of school so I had to go to night school to get my GED. But now that I have that I think I can probably just go back to night school to get a PhD or something. Then Boss would have to pay me the big bucks!”

Sheryl’s Five Points

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Q & A with Sheryl

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Well, a lady doesn’t state her age. Especially a lady of my age. I haven’t lived fifty-seven years and not learned anything!”

Height? A: “When I was younger, the gentlemen used to say I was a tall drink of water. I wore high heels then and done up my hair much higher. Can’t wear them high heels no more due to these painful bunions I got now. I figure if it weren’t for the bunions, I’d still have men crawling all over themselves to get to me. I mean I still do my hair up high.”

Weight? A: “One fifteen the last time I checked on a scale that I trusted. For some reason the doctor threw that one out.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I work in the accounting department for a publishing house. No, I don’t like it. I don’t like work period! It’s a shame I have to get up and get all done up to come to this stinking place! The only thing I like about this job is my paycheck and I don’t even like that all that much. I wish I could not work at all and get a bigger paycheck. That’s just one of those things that makes me quirky.”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “Are you asking if I’m married because I’m divorced. Three times. I’ve got Charlie my big cat and two other cats Ethel and Brownie. Charlie’s my favorite and Ethel and Brownie are jealous. That’s why they make a mess of the litter box. And I know it’s Brownie more than Ethel because Brownie has always had an attitude since day one. It’s gotten to the point that I had to get a separate litter box just for Charlie but I think Brownie uses it to.” [Sheryl continued to talk about her cats for another seven minutes; too much to include here]

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “Not much I like but I can tell you some of the things I don’t like: stupid people, stupid people who drive slow, stupid people who make me wait in line at the grocery store, stupid people who treat Jennifer Aniston like trash. Seriously! Why does she always choose the wrong guy to go out with? Or maybe it’s because Hollywood doesn’t have anyone good enough for her. I mean she’s such a sweet girl. Have you ever seen that one movie with her and the dog? How could anyone treat a girl like that the way these foolish boys do?!” [Sheryl continued to talk about Jennifer Aniston for another ten minutes; again, too much to include here]

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “That’s a tough one seeing as how I don’t really do anything wrong. Maybe I can talk about the stupid, embarrassing things I see other people do, hmm?”

Mr. Argyle’s Five Points

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Q & A with Mr. Argyle

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “I am sixty-seven years of age and blessed to have lived this long.” Height? A: “Five seven and shrinking as I get older. [Laughs]”

Weight? A: “Oh, I reckon about one fifty, one sixty. I don’t keep track of that. I have been wearing the same size of clothes for forty years now. As long as that doesn’t change I figure I’m doing well.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “Work is an odd term for what I do. I make money through my investments. I don’t really get a paycheck. It’s a bit hard to explain if you’re not as involved as I am. That’s not to say you can’t understand it – if I can understand how to live off of investments, anyone can. But it’s not as simple as going in and getting a job and picking up a paycheck. My work involves finding the best place for my money to get the greatest return. Sometimes those opportunities happen in an office or a meeting but most of the time they come from asking questions or driving around. Foreclosures make good rental properties and real estate is one of my favorite places to make my money because it appreciates and usually a profit can be made while it pays for itself. I’ll shut up now. My wife gets a bit irritated when I go on and on about this stuff so I reckon other folks may as well.”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “My wife and I live in the same house we’ve lived in for the last thirty- some-odd years. Can’t remember exactly when we moved in, my wife knows all the dates and such. It was a two bedroom, one bath house when we bought it but we have since added another bedroom – a master – a den and a porch. The master has the new bath. It’s only the two of us now since the kids are all grown up and got lives of their own, but it’s a nice home and I don’t see us moving anytime soon. I was able to pay off the house easily when I switched my forty-year mortgage to a fifteen-year. I turned around and purchased a small upscale duplex that paid for itself plus the mortgage on my house. Over the remaining years of the mortgage, I only made two or three payments myself, I think. Those were the times when I had a vacancy at the duplex, still got it by the way. You see, by purchasing a higher scale rental property and diverting the profits toward my own modest home… oops, there I go again rambling about real estate. Pardon me, please.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I don’t do much of what you might call ‘entertainment.’ I enjoy finding new and interesting ways to make money. I don’t have any hobbies to speak of, was never really creative in that way. Not a handyman by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve got this guy who works for me, does a lot of the maintenance on my personal house rentals. Sometimes I’ll go watch him when he’s fixing a sink or the like. We’ll talk about things like family and fishing, though I’m not big on fishing. Got a cabin up in the mountains where the wife and I go a few times a year. Sometimes the kids and the grand kids come up too, and it’s nice to relax with them all around. Fills me with joy!”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “I don’t drive on the freeways when I don’t have to. Makes me nervous with folks zipping around so fast. I’d rather take the frontage road or find ways around. No sense in getting in an accident for the sake of getting somewhere sooner, no sir.”

Cal’s Five Points

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Q & A with Cal

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Thirty-five. My mom thinks I should have a family and all that by now. My dad calls me lucky to still be single. I think they’re both right sometimes.”

Height? A: “Six-three.”

Weight? A: “I aim to stay under two hundred. When I get close, I start to push it at the gym. Sure, I could bulk up but I like the agility of a lower weight.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I”m a freelance copy writer. Most of my work involves press releases for corporations, boring stuff like that, but it pays good. I like writing for magazines. They don’t pay as much as the dry stuff for corporate outfits but it’s more fun. I’ll get with an editor and submit an idea for an article and, if he likes it, he’ll let me run with it. I like writing for guys’ magazines. That’s a blast because I can write about good night spots to hit or exercise regiments. All those articles are mostly freelance. That’s the stuff I do. I love it. Especially clubs. I’ll call up the owner and tell him I’m writing a piece on clubs and I want to check out his place to see if it’s worth mentioning in such- and-such magazine, and usually they give me the royal treatment. Yeah, I dig that.”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “I have a condo, a nice place. You’ve gotta keep your digs up to
snuff. You never know when you’ll be… a-hem… entertaining.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I like women. That takes up a good amount of my time – they deserve our time and attention. If you’re communicating with more than two chicks at a time, you’ve gotta keep track. They know the score, they know I’m talking to other girls. I tell ‘em. But, at the same time, when I’m with one girl, I’m with her. It’s a matter of fo- cus. They pick up on that. So, yeah, women are in the ‘likes’ column. I also like outdoors stuff: biking, running, skiing, you know, all that. As for dislikes, well… I don’t dwell too much on stuff I don’t like – I discard it almost immediately. There’s no hard and fast rule as to what I don’t like but, when it rears it’s ugly head, I lop it off.”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “Ghosts scare me. Ghosts and people with pointy teeth. I went out with this one chick with pointy teeth. That didn’t last long at all.”

Wren’s Five Points

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Q & A with Wren

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Although curiosity may be the impetus for such a question, ulti- mately, what does it matter? Besides, perception is, arguably, reality in each person’s eyes. If you perceive me as 30 and I tell you I’m 18 – which, obviously I’m not – you will only doubt me. Any information on this particular subject yields no usable data whatsoever.”

Height? A: “Now, I will concede to this question. Where your first questions was, no offense, useless, this question does have relevance. Age does cloud an objective viewpoint to an extent but height is, not only visible, it is also something of a factor to success; be it in the workplace or with love. There have been tests on this subject – I can’t give you accurate references at this time – but a man who is tall, not abnormally tall mind you, but in the six foot to six foot eight range is seen as dominant among his peers. This could go back to early hunter-gatherer days where- Whats that? Oh, I apologize. I am five-foot-seven or roughly 1.702 meters.”

Weight? A: “I refuse to weigh myself using rudimentary devices sold in department stores. The only completely accurate system of weight measure is a precision balance scale. Only such a device can be calibrated correctly. Bathroom scales not only are apt to inaccurate measures based on the surface they are placed on, but they lack proper measuring units. They’re clumsy at best. Yet I do not posses a precision balance scale large enough to fit myself upon and, if I did, I would have to put my trust in another person to add masses and tally the count. Such a person would have to be educated in the mechanism and would, therefore, wish to get paid for his knowledge of such. That’s a monetary transaction I do not wish to undertake for such novel information.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “[Laughing] I was hired as a Computer Systems Engineer but those who employed me misused the title. Only after arriving to my first day of work did I realize I would be doing basic I.T. work, and even that doesn’t accurately describe my position. My job is mostly just making sure everybody’s computer works and they stay connected to the Internet and their LAN. Child’s play, really. However, they never cease to amaze in the many ways they can abuse the system, their hardware, and the software. I would have to say I enjoy my current occupation, it leaves me substantial time to play online games in between their so-called ‘technical disasters’”.

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “My apartment is modest. It is more square footage than I need but not enough for me and a roommate. I live in a two bedroom apartment. My computer systems, components, etc. are in the living room which leaves me with a spare bedroom which I would like to rent out. However, the individuals whom I’ve shown the room to have an aversion to having the living room filled with my aforementioned computer hardware. They would prefer a couch or something along those lines. If I were to place a couch, coffee table, television and such in the living room, the only place I would have sufficient space for my computer equipment would be the spare bedroom, thus eliminating the spare bedroom. It is a catch-22.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I did not plan for such a long line of questioning. Was it your intention to keep me here for such an exorbitant amount of time? Nevertheless, I will continue. Much like many males my age, I do enjoy the company of a woman. I find that most women, unfortunately, do not share my interests. And the ones who do, I am not physically attracted to. As for other aspects of my life, as I mentioned – or at least hinted – my fondness for gaming. In that realm I feel like the real me… a seven-foot tall blonde warrior elf. I dislike stupidity, but who doesn’t? That is not a rhetorical question. The answer is simply ‘those who are stupid’.”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “On Fridays between the hours of seven am and six pm, while driving in my car, I choose to listen to the radio station that plays popular music instead of NPR.”

Moxy’s Five Points

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Q & A with Moxy

Q: What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Old enough to know you don’t ask a lady that question.”

Height? A: “5’ 8” in heals.”

Weight? A: “A few pounds more than I’d like to weigh.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I love my job! I’m an Ad Rep – I sell advertising for the publishing company I work for. They do newspapers, magazines, stuff like that. I make bank! What I like best about my job (other than the money) is the fact that I’m pretty much free to come and go. I work on commission so I make as much money as I want to make. I have a quota but it’s, like, nothing hard. All I have to do is make sure I keep in touch with my regular clients and they’ll usually keep advertising. It’s when a client goes dark, like stops advertising, that I have to really start selling.”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “Boring, I guess. But that’s just because I’m not really home much. I feel guilty sometimes because Chicky, my baby dog is there all day all alone. She’s used to it though and we have fun when I’m there. Also, I’ve got a smart phone so I don’t have to sit in front of the computer to update my status. And I don’t like to clean so I don’t mess stuff up.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “I like working out and music and dancing. I wish I could do that all day! I also like just letting loose. I get irritated when things get too deep, like when guys want to talk about the end of the world or something. Why can’t they just have fun and dance? But I’ve seen some of those guys try to dance and they’re not that good which is probably why they don’t do it. I like doing stuff I haven’t done before – going to new places, road trips, seeing new things. I get bored with the same old same old. Even if it costs a little bit of money to go do something, I’ll spend it! That’s what money’s for, right?”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “My car’s a total mess!”