Eugene’s Five Points

Q & A with Eugene

What are your vital statistics when it comes to:

Age? A: “Twenty-seven. No, wait, twenty-eight. Wait. I don’t know for sure, after twenty-one it doesn’t really matter anyways, right? I mean, what is age but some stupid construct placed on us by society to say we need to achieve whatever established goal they have set up for us by a certain time. And who says I have to get old anyways? I’m going to rock on forever!”

Height? A: “My dad tells me I slouch and that I’d be two inches taller if I stood straight. I say I’m as tall as I am whether I slouch or not. Just because a rattlesnake is all coiled up, doesn’t mean it’s any less long or less dangerous. And that’s me, I’m a rattlesnake ready to strike at any instant. That’s probably why I slouch when I think of it – I’m always ready to strike you with my sharp fangs of smartness.”

Weight? A: “I’m getting fat, dude. I don’t understand it. I mean I used to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to and I wouldn’t gain a pound. Now I’m getting this gut, it’s all soft and stuff. I wouldn’t mind it so much but sometimes my pants feel tight and it makes me have to use the bathroom and usually I’m like at a concert or something so the toilets are always all disgusting.”

Q: What kind of work do you do and do you like it?

A: “I’m a graphic designer. I work at this publishing place that does all sorts of stuff. They do a newspaper like once a week but then they have all these special publications and side magazines and stuff. I’ll design the ads and do some layout and set things up for print and all that. I like doing it because I’m an artist but usually I don’t get to be as creative as I want because people are all like, ‘I want everything centered down the middle with a picture of my grandkid and a star burst and exclamation marks.’ and all that stuff. I’m usually like, ‘Why don’t they just take a dirty napkin and put their logo on it? I mean it’s going to have the same effect.’ You know what I mean?”

Q: What is your home life like?

A: “My house rocks! I mean it’s not my house, it’s a house me and some other people rent, but still it rocks. It’s like three stories high – I live in the attic part that was redone. Right now I live with this one guy and this one girl and her boyfriend kinda lives there too. I’m all right with him living there and all but he doesn’t pay any rent which kind of makes me mad. I mean, if there’s a total of four people sharing a house, the rent should be split four ways. My roommate – the girl – is all, ‘I pay my share and he’s my guest!’ and then I’m all, ‘He’s not a guest when he’s here like 24/7!’ and then she gets all mad and won’t talk to me but then she purposely hogs the bathroom after that just to spite me. I’ve stopped arguing with her about it because I’d rather have the use of the bathroom than to save a little on rent. A lot of times, I have to use the bathroom right out of the blue. When I was younger, I felt it coming like an hour ahead and I could find a nice spot. Now it comes up on me out of nowhere and I’ve got to find the closest place to pop a squat. Sometimes I want to just live alone for that reason.”

Q: What are some of your likes and dislikes?

A: “Don’t get me started. I pretty much don’t like everybody except the people I like. You know what I mean? I like jamming with my band Junx but sometimes they get all nit picky and stuff. I have to tell them that music is making noise with your soul. So when I get all free jazz on them, they get mad because I’m not ‘structured’ and stuff. But music doesn’t have to have rules, you know? I also likes me some Chic-fil-A.”

Q: What’s something embarrassing about yourself that you don’t openly share with people?

A: “I have horrid luck with chicks. I don’t know why but I always end up with the psycho ones. I just want a chick that’s laid back and will watch TV and eat bean dip with me but all the girls I end up with want to party. That’s fun for a while but then it gets old. Then those girls get all, ‘We never go out!’ Then they start getting all mean and stuff like they have cabin fever when I just want to chill at the house. I’ve flirted with the idea of not going out with chicks who I meet when I’m playing a gig. But where else can I find a hot chick who’s into me?”

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